I can hear it. Before I fall asleep every night, when I wake up every morning, I can hear my clock ticking. Sometimes’s it’s soothing. It’s reassuring that I’m still here. I’m still breathing. But other times, I wish I could snatch every clock around me, and burn them. Because honestly, I’m tired of watching day by day go by, just existing. Just sitting there. I’m so ready to actually live, not just exist.

adomania: the sense that the future is coming too quickly 

I suppose we’ve all felt adomania at times. But more so for me, recently. It’s strange. Frightening, almost. It seems that time is pulling at me every moment, screaming at me, that I only have one life to live, and it’ll be over in what seems like a moment, they tell me. If I were you, time seems to say, I would get up and live. 

I’ve reflected on my past 13 years of my life, and I’ve found that I could’ve done better. I could’ve lived my life better, spent my time wisely, and loved others fiercer. But I didn’t. And there’s no going back. The past is the past, and it stays that way. What matters is what I do now. 

I’ve decided to document this, as a reminder and proof that I’m choosing to really live. 

So to whoever’s reading this, to whoever’s experiencing adomania: time is running out, and there’s nothing we can do to stop it. So will you choose to exist, or live?


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